In stark contrast to last week, I feel a little less meh. Baby’s doing great, she’s growing well, and yes, there are moments when she’s crying hard for an hour or so (the sort of crying which only Daddy and Grandad can cure), but I’d say five days of the week are pretty positive.
Freyja’s pretty chatty, and now she’s testing her pitches out. The high ones. She’s pretty good. Plus, she seems so proud of herself every time she successfully pulls herself up into a sitting position using her Mummy’s or Daddy’s thumbs – depending on her positioning, she can also pull herself up into a wobbly standing position too, which draws a huge grin – that I can’t help feeling happy.
The happiness is an interesting one, really – it’s still happiness with a side of glum. Last week I had an MRI to see what’s going on with my back. The technicians told me results in a couple of days, call my GP. I call my GP in a couple of days, I get told results take a week. I call my GP when a week’s elapsed, I get told the results take two weeks. The one thing I want is to start on the road to being fixed. That is the all-important first step to my motherhood goal.
I have some good days, but by good I mean not quite as shit as the other days. That’s still a positive. My loneliness is only really coming on now during those moments of agony or when Little Freyby doesn’t stop crying. When she’s in that mode there’s very little I can do. I can’t carry her anywhere to distract her, I can’t take her for a drive, she’s just not interested in anything but crying, and it’s purely because she needs a nap. Will she nap? No, of course not, she’s a baby and the whole world is exciting. She does it eventually, though. Most of the time, at least. Here she is being generally fabulous. She’s not yet learned that cameras are not harbingers of doom.
I’ve started on writing some books for my darling little Freybicorn. Of course, as any mother is likely to know, “started” means “haven’t really gotten that far in and now I’m too knackered to keep going for the night”. It’s Phase One of getting my soul back. I’ve not written in so long that I feel my mind has been harvested. You see, I’ve felt no stimulation at all.
I left one job in April 2017. The plan was simple: work somewhere that pays me decent money for about a year, hopefully get into university as a mature student (I’m still stumped that you need better grades to study Creative Writing than you need to study Marine Biology), make my mum proud. Well, things didn’t quite work out that way.
Well, now Travis has said I should give it a couple of years, nothing’s going to stop me. I just need to get through the newborn stage. Well, not just the newborn stage. If I haven’t had time to read a book longer than The Very Hungry Caterpillar, I’m not really going to be fitting a degree in.
In all honesty, I think I might find out something I didn’t know by doing a degree, but I also don’t know at this point in my life that it’ll benefit me in any way. After all, I don’t think any of the authors I tend to read actually studied English or Creative Writing at University level. What really can I learn from studying it that I can’t learn from just writing? That said, I’m sure there are people who read my writing who feel otherwise.
Back to life though. I took a job paying me a significantly higher amount than my previous job. I went in to do one thing, making it clear that it wasn’t what I wanted to do. I was vocal about what I did want in my life. Much like in my previous job, when I voiced my desires, I got to watch as someone else was brought in to do things while I got to continue numbing my brain further with a spreadsheet that made me want to slit my wrists on a weekly basis from the boredom of it all.
I exaggerate slightly; I got to deal with more than just a spreadsheet in that job, and I genuinely loved it there up until that moment I discovered my colleagues were right – I love my baby more. I love my baby too much to be away from her for between 12-14 hours a day. I was really sad to send in my notice, not like in my previous job, where I literally skipped into the Sales Director’s office to gloat, “I’m outta here!” (At this point I’ll say it wasn’t just boredom of the spreadsheet I was having to deal with, but the stupidity, impertinence and arrogance of the Office Bully – I loved the people I worked with.)
Digression: Is it me or does Pacific Rim 2 feel less adult than the first and more like Mighty Morphin Power Rangers?
Back on track now. Since my wonderful plans have all gone to pot, and I’m still not fit for anything but slouching to one side as I sulk and reminisce about that amazing time I could walk, I’m on Book 1 of my book for Freyby. My goal is to perhaps reach four or so, all simple reads that she’ll enjoy when she’s older. Will I be able to get an agent or publisher given the competitive nature of children’s books? Anyone’s guess. I think these days things probably get read eventually, but I have heard this interesting rumour that some authors are rejected without even having their work read. Likely based on the covering letter, possibly the synopsis.
Well, whatever happens happens. I’m not lacking in people in publishing I could approach for advice.
(Side note: if you’re a writer, I highly recommend Sam Missingham’s company, Lounge Marketing – it’s a great place for you to find out helpful hints and tips about how to better promote yourself. Plus, Sam is absolutely wonderful and an amazing woman.)
It’s now coming up 10pm and I’ve managed to get three short paragraphs down on paper. I’m too tired to continue at the moment, but I’m also so very grateful that I have Travis by my side during our “Adult Time”. I’ve missed this time together. I’ve missed him. Granted, I’m really not into the film he’s put on, mainly because I’m disappointed by the lack of Zordon.
I’ll get back to the writing tomorrow. I have this all laid out in my head and have quite a bit of confidence than if I have the time, I can get the bare bones down within the day for the first book.
My ultimate goal is to finally get my mojo back long enough to be able to get back onto the piece I started writing last year. My end goal: I want the bean to have a mother she can be proud of.
Well, that’s it for tonight’s rant. Hopefully everyone’s having a glorious weekend so far. Love and kisses to you all!